My Dearest Self,

This is, after all, a blog about me written by me. I am creative, caring, pretty intelligent, and well I'm not that bad to look at. However, there is something about myself that frustrates me and try as I might it is truly difficult to fix. You see...I have this problem with over thinking. This problem and my being somewhat emotional is not the best combination at times. I over analize things and in turn it makes me think something bad is always going to happen, like the sky is going to come crashing down on my head. Maybe its a touch of paranoia but there is a tiny voice whispering to me "something is going to happen", but what this something is I am not aware. It's as if some unseen evil is lurking in the shadows ready to snatch my happiness and haul ass at any moment. Why do I feel this way? I can honestly say that I am a lucky girl an somehow have been blessed with the kind of man that women want. A man that is strong and protective, always opens my car door, makes me laugh, thinks I'm beautiful when my hair is messy and I just woke up, brings me coffee in bed, holds my hand when we are riding in the car, and his kisses I can't seem to get enough of. He's my best friend, my lover, my husband.  He makes me smile and feel so loved. On days when something seems to be bothering him my "paranoia" kicks in to high-gear and I start thinking the worst. I start thinking that maybe its me...maybe he isn't happy with me....and of course my little paranoid self starts glancing towards the ceiling checking for cracks and waiting for it to start crumbling. It is also on these days that I drive him mad, "are you okay?" I ask him this enough times that he finally snaps and isn't okay because my own doom-filled imagination has turned me into a paranoid, spastic, psycho that is either going to cry or get pissed for no good viable reason. How is he capable of putting up with me sometimes I wonder. Hell, I get on my own nerves so often and really don't like having to spend time with myself so why would he. This is something I have to get a grip on, I have to stop always expecting the worst or else one day that is all that I'm going to get. In my 29 years as an occupant of this planet I have made my fair share of dumb decisions, have been broken, and have regained my strength and when something worth holding on to comes along, I'll be damned if I'm just going to push it away. My biggest enemy is myself, my ability to over analyze and see darkness in every situation. Along with working on building up a higher self-esteem and fitting in to a smaller size...I have to gain control of my bad traits and unwind myself some. I have to stop worrying constantly and start realizing that what I do have is something that should be cherished and taken the best of care of. My moods and paranoid behavior does not just effect myself but the person who I have made a life with and deserves nothing but the best from me. I'll never be perfect but perfection is not what I am striving for, just peace with my own true self and the rest of my years filled with happiness.